I had some unscheduled time yesterday and used a portion of it to see what animal people are talking about and one thing stood out as surprisingly controversial: having kids and even hating kids. (I started with Ryan, who led me to Josh here and here).
I'm not sure about anyone's age, so this could be a generational thing. Or it could be a function of my upbringing. I was raised with the idea that kids would likely be in my future, but more important was the idea that I shouldn't be in a rush and I should follow my dreams and get educated and travel the world first. The message was: Once you have a child, your life as you know it is over, and you have to devote your energy to your child, so if there's anything really important to do, you'd best get it done before you have a child.
Next, I was a nanny in graduate school. I lived this fantasy life of having three kids (including a newborn) and driving a Volvo station wagon around the North Shore of Long Island. I was the kids' caregiver every day, all day, then went to school at night for my MA in English and American Literature. I loved the kids, but became acutely aware of what it takes to care for them and after two years I was completely exhausted.
I also had this judgmental feeling of: why have kids if you're not going to be their parent? Isn't that the idea?
I realized that for me it was important to be a parent, and to raise a child who would be compassionate, independent-minded, and make the world a better place.
Unfortunately, I was too busy getting educated, traveling, working and following various dreams that, as the cliche goes, I forgot to have kids. More accurately, kids simply weren't a priority for me. And once I married someone ambivalent about being a parent, the idea of kids left the table for a while. And when we both decided we'd like to be parents, the probability of having our own kids was minuscule due to my advanced maternal age. Of course there are hundreds of kids right here in Florida who need homes.
I never associated dislike of children with "the movement." What I have always seen is that vegans and activists of all sorts tend to think long and hard about having children, and when they do have them it's with intent regarding what they'll be exposed to and how they'll be raised. And they have fewer children (one or two).
Hating kids is strange to me, though I do understand not being interested in them, particularly if they can't yet speak. And I do understand being annoyed when they're next to you watching an R-rated film (that happened to me recently) and they're screaming. But it's the parents you should be angry with.
In fact, when I think of all of the problems we have in our neighborhood with what have come to be known as "the miscreants" (11-14 year old boys), their behavior is due to their lack of supervision, support and discipline. I've asked them why they include various anti-social actions in their daily repertoire, and they've told me that they have no one to talk to, no one listens to them, they're bored, and their parents both work and aren't home until 7pm. I ask them if there's a grown-up they trust and can talk to, and they say there isn't. As terrible as their behavior is, I understand where it's coming from. (And yes, I'm creating a list of after-school programs in the area for the kids.)
As far having your own child who will then tap the world's resources goes, my belief is of the zero population growth variety. And you can't be responsible for other people having five kids or 10 kids (I have a client who's one of 10), so take that off the table. I'm responsible for me and my family. Not having a child because your neighbors had more than their share makes no sense to me.
Furthermore, I think having a child when you have a clear idea of how you want to change the world is a philanthropic act. Spending a couple of decades raising a good citizen is no small commitment and no small feat and the idea should be supported by others in the movement who want to change the world.
After all, as my husband now says about his former self: You can't leave it to those people to create a new generation. This planet needs a fighting chance, and it's gonna come from people who want to fight for it. Raising someone like that is a gift to the world.
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